Daily Joke Thread

[Damious]

Gonna Start posting jokes, some daily some every time i hear a good one, welcome to post jokes aswell, but keep in mind kids will read them, so steer clear of perverted/cursing/sexual ones please

A Farmer And His Bride

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The farmer said, "That`s once."

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, "That`s twice."

After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn`t say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.

His brand new bride raised all kind of heck with him, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do." The farmer said, "That`s once."

[Damious]

Blondes...

One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Minnesota were listening
to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going
to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the
even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get
through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer
said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your
car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get
through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."
Then the electric power went out.
The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied
"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

[whysper]

The Irish are at it again

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy,

'Dat's dem.'



The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.



'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.



The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.



Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the

Connor Pass.



At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'



He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.



Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone

dead.



Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping

is too fook'n dangerous for me!'





THERE'S MORE...





Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.



He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one

hand and a shotgun in the other.



'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.



He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.



He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.



Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.



Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.



Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'





IT IS NOT OVER YET...





Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.



He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.



Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until

he hits a rock and breaks his spine.



Once more Paddy shakes his head.



'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean

and his fook'n hengliding!'

[haunted]

rofl love it

[oursin]

I got one.

An old man and his wife were lying in bed watching football, when the old man farts loudly and says, "Touchdown, 7 points." They both laugh and about a minute later, his wife rips one "Touchdown 7 points!" Shortly followed up by a quite one to which she says, "Fieldgoal, 3 points".
Not to be out done on his own game, the old man grunts and strains and ultimatly craps on the bed. His wife asks, "whoa, what was that?" He replies' " Half time, switch sides...! "

[Danyull]

A man jumped off a building with an umbrella and fell to his death.

He underestimated the gravity of the situation.

[whysper]

Tinkle.

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.' Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.' 'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'